regret

I guarantee that I'll regret this in the morning. The very first thing I learned in my self-taught, trial and error based mothering school was to never go to bed with your kitchen a mess (and always wake up early enough to put your contacts in and take a few swigs of coffee before your kids begin calling out from their cribs and bunk beds for some breakfast). I'm almost positive that my own mom never once broke that rule. I have memories of her scrubbing countertops well past 10:00 pm, all bleary eyed and absolutely determined (to the point that it was less of a "choice" and more an undeniable instinct) to maintain order.

For three nights in a row, I have caved in to my sleepiness. I find that every couple of weeks or so I go through an obligatory, Ahhh! Too much stuff! Too much to do!! Too much for me to handle!! phase in which I curl up in the bathtub, and then my bed, with a book and hide for awhile from the enormity of it all until I remember how I've let my prayers slide and how off-kilter my priorities have become.

I'm there now, hovering, slowly waking from my stress induced stupor and wondering how in the world I slipped right back into it after vowing to stay alert. Promising "never again," I am realizing, is like shooting myself in the foot. Saying, "next time," however, fully acknowledging and accepting my own frailty, allows me the freedom to beg for mercy and move cautiously forward (rather than standing in place, immobile, paralyzed with disappointment over my lack of stick-to-itiveness).

Tomorrow is Thursday, Thursday the 29th of January - a perfect day for developing tunnel vision, losing site of the peripherals so daunting, so discouraging. One thing at a time.

...teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all.