Thursday, April 23, 2009

all our worries keep getting in the way

To thick-headed, forgetful, me:

Breath in, breath out, stop and take an objective look around you at the seemingly oppressive situations in which you find yourself: The loneliness, the never large enough paycheck, the son or daughter, spouse or co-worker, neighbor or stranger pushing your every last button. Examine prayerfully the deadlines tapping you threateningly on your shoulder, the should haves, could haves, would haves clouding your view of all that is still good, still genuine, still lovely. Face your fear of being hopeless, being rejected, of losing everything. Admit you’re an idiot sometimes, because we all are sometimes - idiots cold and stubborn and undisciplined.Yep, it's crazy alright -crazy messy, crazy hard; claim your incompetence. Acknowledge it's scary, having not the slightest idea what is in store for you tomorrow.

Ask for the strength, then, not to fix things, not to brazenly change the world, not to be certain but rather to look inward, to be ok with the ambiguity, ok with the unglamorousness of your cross. Ask for the grace, the unquestioning humility to believe in the mystery of Divine order – that all of it, all of this, has been orchestrated for the very specific purpose of chipping away what is dull, what is self-serving and numb in order to uncover the Christ within you. God, it’s tiring, too exhausting, to try and make sense of the unknowable. It takes Faith, a great deal of it, to throw up your hands, to throw in the towel, to fully, completely, willingly surrender.

I want to love, love as Jesus loved. So whatever it takes, I guess - Lord have mercy. I’m not the one directing, here; let’s get that straight.

Won’t You help me, please, just sing along?

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

- C.S. Lewis


E Helena E said...

Thank you for yet another raw and honest articulation. It speaks to me greatly.

Molly Sabourin said...

Thank you for commenting, Helena E, and for relating to my ongoing struggle for peace and clarity! God bless you!