I have decided to dedicate this entire post to Father James' question regarding Troy and his weekend alone with the children because this very topic weighed heavy on my mind before I left for my "girls only" adventure. "Are you sure you'll be ok?" I had asked him more than once and each time Troy replied, "yes," using the same expression and tone my son, Benji, might employ if I asked him was he certain the Force was stronger than the dark side or if the Chicago Bears was still his favorite football team. Troy is solid as a rock and not easily intimidated but this I thought was different - four kids, our four kids, were a whole lot to handle and maybe he was being just a tad bit naive, forgetting how Mary melts down when she's tired and Benjamin wanders off if you turn your back for even a second. As I waved goodbye, I begged God to protect them. I expected little, really - that they'd "get through it," probably, but would be awfully glad to see me upon my return.
"Have a good time!" Troy told me, which I was so grateful for because all it would have taken to dampen my excitement considerably was a look of apprehension or resentment. Mothers, or maybe its just me, tend to think of themselves as the glue holding everything and everyone together. My husband could do a fine job, but of course I'd always, in general, do better when it came to nurturing the children and managing our home. Had I taught him all he needed to know to ensure those couple of days without my hovering presence would be a success for them, for me, for everyone?
When we pulled up to my house all rested and restored, I found Priscilla, Ben, and Elijah jumping, laughing, and rolling in a leaf pile. Troy sauntered up quite calm-like and hugged me. There were lots of squeals and kisses, partly (or mostly) because of the brightly wrapped packages in a bag I was carrying with the words Oh My Darling Toy Store printed boldly on the side of it. "Whadjyou bring us? Whaydjyou bring us?" they were dying to know. After a whirlwind half hour of thanking my friends profusely for such a wonderful, wonderful time, handing out souvenirs, and emptying my duffel bag, I finally cornered Troy and started questioning him about how everything had gone in my absence. "Fine," he answered, keeping consistent with his usual minimalist approach to my wifely interrogations. "What did you do?" I pressed on out of curiosity. "Oh, let's see," he tried to remember, "...this morning we got the emissions test done on the car, then we went to the DMV, then Ace Hardware, then out for pizza. After lunch, I put Mary down for a nap, we cleaned up the yard and did chores."
"All of those things?!" I asked, in utter amazement. "In one day?!" The very idea of it made me feel exhausted. That kind of errand running required multiple snacks, water bottles, and some extra strength Tylenol, items I was certain Troy had not even thought about packing on his excursion. "How did they do?" I winced, figuring Mary had most likely screamed, Elijah pouted out of boredom, Priscilla complained of hunger and Benjamin...well, who knows what? With Ben anything, literally anything can happen. Priscilla, overhearing our conversation, interrupted me.
"Mommy!" she beamed, "the lady at the car place told daddy what well behaved kids we were!"
"Is that true?" I wanted to know.
"Yep," My husband answered. "She said she was impressed by how cooperative and quiet my children were, just sitting there reading their books. They did great." I looked around then and it dawned on me, for the first time, that nothing had exploded. No one was bandaged up or clinging to me. Mary walked by and Troy told her, "It's time to get your jammies on, baby." And so - get this- she totally went right upstairs and got dressed in her pajamas...all by HERSELF.
Troy, I suddenly realized, assumed they could; I assume they can't and because of that, I end up, much of time, over-assisting and ultimately feeding their habit of whining and surrendering when something is difficult. My very capable spouse has opened my eyes to a mindset I am stubbornly clinging on to, and which is hindering me as a mom. I (gasp!) have discovered something valuable and important that I can learn from him in the parenting department: If you insist on aiming low, don't be shocked when no one rises to the occasion. Aim high consistently (argh! that is so hard for me!) and you'll be surprised at what your kids can accomplish on their own.
So, hooray for dads who aren't afraid to step in and get their hands dirty in the nitty-gritty details and the messiness of family life. Your active and prayerful participation in the raising of your children is such a blessing, such a blessing and so vital for creating a cycle of spiritual and emotional healthiness for generations to come. I appreciate, Troy, more than you'll ever know, how hard you work at being available far more than just financially to me and the kids. When you give of yourself, it makes me long to give back to you; it brings me strength and inspires me to do better. So there, I admit it! We're even steven when it comes to our parental capabilities, each enhancing the other through our differences and united in our vision of becoming a compassionate, disciplined, and Christ honoring family drawn together by our laughter, love and shared experiences.
Cheers, partner!
1976 (grandma and me)
2008 (grandma with my daughter, Mary)
